Do Not Fear Negative Emotions

Anxiety Warriors: How many of you are afraid of negative emotions (I’m raising my own hand)?

People with Anxiety know that the flip side of Anxiety is often Depression. For those of you who have experienced Depression, let me apologize in advance if I mis-capture it in any part of this post. I have always been so careful to tell people that I have Anxiety (GAD), had Postpartum Anxiety (not Depression!) and Postpartum OCD (Harm OCD- which may sound way scarier than Depression and yet, I would rather cop to having Harm OCD than Depression). Depression has always scared me. I immediately pair it with suicide, so whenever I feel down, sad or depressed, I get scared that I’m heading towards Clinical Depression and possibly ending my life. That’s quite the spiral but that’s where my mind goes.

Well lately, I’ve learned that negative feelings are not to be feared, but listened to. I am a person with at times pretty severe anxiety which pairs nicely with a little fear, some sadness, and general morose. I’ve always been in a hurry to suppress or push away these negative feelings. I like to think of Anxiety as being akin to highly functional, and the opposite of Depression. But that’s just not the case. They are sisters. So what’s the point in trying to categorize Anxiety vs. Depression? There is none. But there is definitely good in allowing yourself to feel negative emotions. I’ve only recently learned in therapy to try leaning into them, listening to them, crying if I feel like crying (which for some reason I have always tried not to). My fears and anxieties are old feelings I’ve had for years… They go back to a little girl who was very scared of things, shy, and often didn’t fit in with her peers. No one ever diagnosed me with Anxiety as a child, but I’m certain I had it. And during that time I learned to keep a stiff upper lip in public, don’t disclose what goes on in the home, and keep a happy appearance. This made me run away from and be very afraid of having negative feelings.

The thing about negative emotions, and emotions in general, is that they are all temporary. They never last forever. Even the lowest emotion will eventually lift - if you let it. The more you try to suppress it and push it away, the stronger it gets and the more power it yields over you. I have had to learn this the hard way. There was a time in 2021 when I was really going through it with my Postpartum Anxiety, when I would wrap myself in a blanket and not move for hours. I would wonder, am I officially depressed now? But so what if I was? I have asked my therapist many times over the years if I am depressed and have always gotten the same answer, “You may feel depressed sometimes but you are not clinically depressed.” This of course led me on a wild goose chase after what it means to be “clinically depressed”. According to Mayo Clinic, Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. So if I had Depression, would the cloud over my head merely cease to dissipate? I just don’t know, but the point is that I shouldn’t worry about it. When my therapist periodically asks me to fill out the Anxiety and Depression scales to see where I’m at, I always come out as being anxious but not depressed, and I’m always very relieved and glad to hear it.

But what’s the point of hearing it from someone else if I myself am so afraid of it? I have worn “I-have-anxiety-not-depression” like a gold star for years, when Anxiety and Depression are two sides of the same coin. They share so many qualities and symptoms. You simply can’t run from being depressed at certain times in your life. So I’ve cautiously been leaning in and asking myself what I can learn from my depressive feelings. What are they trying to say to me? I try not to dwell on how long they will last. Sometimes I lose that battle and pour myself a glass of wine but that is not always available or appropriate! At times I’m like a squirrel and my mood can change very quickly, depending on the stimulus. So given that personality trait combined with my anxiety, I feel a great many emotions throughout my day. It doesn’t serve me to be on guard for negative emotions. They’re part of my day just like all the positive ones.

I think there are a lot of anxiety sufferers like me, who worry a lot about having negative emotions and wonder what they mean. Is there something more serious underlying them? Probably not. Do they mean Depression is around the corner? Again, probably not. So now instead of cowering away from a bad feeling, I try to just let it be. I sit in it as long as it lasts because it won’t last forever, and I try to learn from it. My most recent example is this morning. I left my purse on the train! Luckily I took my phone with me but left my purse with my wallet, makeup and Epi pen on the train. When I got to work, while blocking credit cards and thinking about the possibility of my purse being lost forever, I began to feel very low. Usually this feeling scares me and I try to convince myself not to have it but today, I let it be, thinking it’s no doubt connected to the loss of my purse and the personal belongings in it that might be gone forever. Also the self-punishing thoughts of “how could you leave your purse on the train, Ligaya? You must be more careful.” Well, guess what? That’s a valid scolding to give myself. And it’s also completely valid for me to feel a bit naked, alone and empty without my purse. So I gave myself permission to feel like crap, and then I went back to work. That’s all I can do. And the low feeling eventually floated away. I have my phone with my train ticket on it. My husband can pick me up from the station. All will be fine. And worse case, if my purse is gone, everything in it is replaceable.

I’ve had to learn so much recently about listening to my anxiety, allowing myself to have negative emotions, and always remembering that EVERY EMOTION IS TEMPORARY. So if you’re anything like me, don’t freeze up and try to bat your negative feelings away. That’s a game of Whack a Mole you are bound to lose! It’s totally ok and normal to have depressive feelings from time to time. I say that while also acknowledging that for some people these feelings don’t lift, and may be overwhelming and debilitating. This may be a more medically depressive state that warrants the attention of a professional. I speak only from my stump as someone with anxiety who has feared negative emotions in the past and is trying to evolve.

I hope my fellow Anxiety Warriors out there can be more accepting of negative emotions too.