Welcome

Hello and welcome! In case you're wondering about the name of my platform, my name Ligaya means "happiness" or "joy" in Tagalog. I'm half-Filipino and if I had a quarter for every time a Filipino asked me, "Do you know what your name means?", I'd be a very rich woman. I'm a generally happy person and my name fits me, but when I have anxiety, I'm a completely different person - fearful, sad and desperate to get better. I have to fight to get my happiness back.

I have struggled with GAD and Panic Disorder since I was 18-yrs-old, and it was generally well managed with therapy and medication. When it would come, it would be like a dark cloud hanging over me, and then after a few weeks, my medication would work and the sun would come out, birds would chirp... You get the idea.

When I had my daughter Maddie, it was a whole other unanticipated ballgame. After a traumatic birth experience and bringing her home, I began to suffer from severe Postpartum Anxiety. It made what was supposed to be such a special time in my life one of my darkest moments. Of course I had some bright spots as a new mother with my daughter, but never had I struggled so much to be well and nothing - not my usual medicine nor the new medicine they put me on would work. My therapist of 15 years was basically MIA. Also traumatizing. I felt like I would never get better. Today, nearly two years later, after a journey with many twists, turns and tears, I finally feel like I am coming out the other side, but even now I still struggle.

I see commercials seeking to normalize the topic of mental health. Michael Phelps tells you to get therapy, and now you can get antidepressants delivered to your door without ever seeing a doctor in person. Is this the best course? I don't know. I'm not a doctor and I have no real authority on the topic, but I do have a LOT of experience - as a patient, as a sufferer, as a woman who looks like she has it all together but on the inside is just trying to survive another day with crippling anxiety. Oh yes, I know that dance well.

In my opinion, we talk more about depression and bipolar disorder than we do anxiety. We talk to women about perinatal illness (postpartum depression, anxiety and OCD) after they have their baby, not before when they can prepare for it. In some cases the discussion of perinatal illness is nothing more than a form that asks a new mom how she's feeling at the pediatrician's office. I don't know about you, but I lied on mine. There was no option for "being a mother is scaring the living daylight out of me and where the heck is my joy?" I did not want the doctor or anyone else mistaking my anxiety for not loving my daughter. I loved her a painful amount and all I wanted to do was be present with her and bond with her but my anxiety wouldn't allow it. Over 30 million adults in the US have an anxiety disorder and 10-15% of new moms suffer from mood disorders and we don't talk enough about it.

If my story can help one person feel not-so-alone in their struggle, then it's worth sharing.

My podcast, "Ligaya Means Happiness" is now live on Apple, Spotify, Amazon and Anchor. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook by clicking the links below.

Check out my shop for “Anxiety/Mama Warrior” mugs and tees. 10% of all proceeds goes to NAMI (National Association on Mental Illness). Thank you!